In Heat.

Dear Diary, 

     In my few years as a parent, I've become fairly accustomed to urine, blood and fecal matter. Not that I enjoy them, let's get that straight right now, but I am simply not a wimp about it. 

     However. ..

     My dog is currently in heat. We adopted our 5 year old Boxer just after Christmas, when she'd recently wrapped up her bi-annual hot moment. Here we are, six months later and find orange spotting scattered randomly throughout the house. (Barf.) We realized the issue and took matters into our own hands by putting a size 5 diaper on the poor girl. Well, a dog's shape is quite different from a 30 pound human, so the faux velcro straps didn't hold up too well. We got clever and cut a hole in it for her tail. Also didn't work. Ironically, that same day, I was cleaning out my bathroom and found two unnaturally huge maxi-pads from my stay at the hospital. Judging by the size of those things, you'd have thought I was about to pass my weight in blood. (Also barf.) I took one look at them, wondered if I'd need them (HA!), then threw them out with the trash. Little did I know that night I would regret tossing such a treasure. So we got even more clever. My husband piped up and said, "Listen. We need some undies and a maxi-pad." (Who is this guy?!) I followed orders and my undies were entirely too large for her(instant ego-booster). So we snuck into my toddler's bedroom and snatched some up out of his underwear drawer. Gave the back end a little snippety snip-snip for the tail and voila! She was officially wearing Old Navy underwear and a menstrual pad. 

     Regrettably, this was not enough for me to think she was not utterly disgusting in her crimson tide drip-age. I told my husband this was his area of expertise (he raised female Boxers) and that I was going to gracefully bow out. I informed him that I will continue to mow the lawn, pick up dog poop, change (human) diapers and run to The Home Depot for all our houses fix-its (Yes, I am the handy man. This is not a joke. My husband also sleeps with a sleep mask and ear plugs from time to time. I live with a 200 pound, muscular, sexy, male version of Princess Peach.) but that I was just NOT going to take care of dog menstruation. He seemed taken aback, but agreed. 

     In the middle of the night, I'd hear a loud licking/smacking noise. During the day, I'd hear the same loud noise. Every time I looked over, my dog was lip smacking her own cootchie and I'd about roll over and die every time. Her underwear lining is soaked in blood and saliva and I can. Not. Handle. It. It is entirely too gross for me. Therefore I find myself subconsciously saying things out loud, such as: 

"Oof. She is so nasty." 
"Son, leave her outside, she has a yucky bum." 
"You lip-smacking, cootchie-licking dog. You are gross."
"Babe, let's just send her somewhere for 2 weeks until her period is over." 
"Look at her. Isn't she gross? Poor girl. She doesn't mean to be gross but she just is."

     Then my husband said, "I think I'll send you away once a month, too" to which I replied, "Well, the difference is...I don't lick my own labia." 

     I do suppose I didn't realize just how rude my subconscious was (Not me. My subconscious.)and decided I'd try and take this red heat wave of blood in stride. From the side lines. 

Sincerely, 

Me. The Wimpy Dog Owner.