Saturday, September 29, 2012

Don't Get Your Panties in a Bundle.

Dear Diary, 

     Today was the kind of day where you get to lunchtime before realizing your underwear is on inside-out. That's right, inside out. 

     It wasn't a bad day, though. I had well-behaved children, put an offer on a house, and I'm heading to my husband's high school reunion later this evening. I actually took the time to straighten my hair, put on make-up, and NOT sport yoga pants. However, I am currently wearing that latest version of Family Reunion t-shirt (don't worry, I'll change) and I have no intentions of flipping my undies the right way. Take that, life. 



Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Nice Buns.

Dear Diary, 

     The other day I had a couple of my friends tell me that they liked the bun atop my head. It looked something like this.

Nothing fabulous. So, of course, when I received a compliment regarding this rats nest/cranial accessory known for only revealing itself on Saturday mornings, I perked up a bit. And something these lovely ladies did not realize was that I had not even brushed my hair in 3 days. That's right. Three. Days. Why? Because my children took off with my one and only hair brush. I later found it behind a small circus tent from IKEA that is permanently parked in my kitchen, thankyouverymuch. So, if you ever think to come to me for any sort of beauty tip, think again. I'll tell you to do the following: 

1. Never shower. 
2. Never brush your hair. 
3. Always be sure to wear your comfiest yoga pants with the latest version of a family reunion t-shirt. 



Monday, September 24, 2012

Man Up!

Dear Diary, 

     I found this little gem via a friend's Facebook page and had to share. Every single one is so true. Makes me wish I was a man. Wait, did I say that? That was weird. 


                                   Why guys are so cool...

  1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. You know stuff about tanks.
  3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  4. You can open all your own jars.
  5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
  6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
  8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  9. You can kill your own food.
  10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
  19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
  21. Same work...more pay.
  22. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  23. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
  24. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  25. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  26. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
  28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  29. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  30. You almost never have strap problems in public.
  31. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  33. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  34. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
  35. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  36. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  37. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  39. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
     Moral of the story? Be yourself. Why are women so shifty? At least if I can't be a man, I'm glad to be married to one. So refreshing. 



Sunday, September 23, 2012

Plant a Bra, Watch it Grow.

Dear Diary, 

     Lately I have been drowning in my nursing bra. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you. My boobs shrunk. I feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland, shrinking inside of my clothes. I guess I can say goodbye to my old size C's and give my returning A's a big Aloooooohaaa. 

     On another note, I watched this little gem of a video on Ellen and had to share. The pesky goat is how I imagine my daughter will be as she gets older. Wish me luck. 


Me. Alice.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

It Was a Bad Day.

Dear Diary, 

     Yesterday was bad. Real bad. By 11 AM, I had been pushed to the edge and that was no good, considering the day had many more hours left in it. So, like any other normal mom, I packed up my kids and wandered around Costco. Free samples, two kids in the front of the cart smiling, a little exercise for mom, and some retail therapy, of course. 

     And although by the end of the outing, my spirits had been lifted a smidge, I was still beat down. While in the check-out line, I looked back and saw an older woman a couple of customers behind me. She had more alcohol in her cart than I had ever seen in my lifetime. Yet there she was, shamelessly awaiting her turn to purchase the mass amount of booze in her shopping cart and although I have never drank (dranken? drunk?) alcohol before and don't have plans to start, I caught myself thinking, "Wow. I could use that stash of liquor today." That, or a smack across the face with an iron skillet. Motherhood is the only experience in life I have ever had that consistently makes me realize what a raging alcoholic I would be if I didn't grow up knowing it was bad for me.  

Sincerely Soberly, 


Monday, September 17, 2012

The Truth Comes Out.

Dear Diary, 

     I saw this picture today and realized this is exactly how my son feels about my daughter. Sad. But true

     Poor girl. If only she didn't cry so much...



Sunday, September 16, 2012

A Bit Fishy.

Dear Diary, 

     As I rip the spine out of a dead fish, stab my fork into the can of sardines, and flop parts of it onto a veggie blend Ritz cracker, I end up reflecting on just how off-kilter my food cravings can be. And I'm not even pregnant. Pickles and ice cream got nothin on this. But...I figure if NO ONE likes them, they wouldn't be sold in stores. So take your judgment elsewhere, people! 

     I also end up reflecting on how motherhood has shaped me as a person. In my pre-mommy days, I would have held a silent grudge against any person who perpetually vomited on my freshly washed clothes, woke me up from just about every nap I've ever tried to take, and made me change their poopy underwear multiple times a day. But as a mom to two beautiful children, I realize that I have learned more about patience and love these last 3 years than I ever have in my entire life. Moms, here's to almost losing our minds every single day, but always finding that extra piece of love stashed away in the reserve tank of our hearts. 


Me + Moms Everywhere. 


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Is it My Turn Yet?

Dear Diary, 

     Between my 7 month old still not sleeping through the night and having gastrointestinal problems, and my toddler having his own set of health issues, I have been: 

1. Blog slacking 


2. A sleep deprived zombie

     As I was switching the laundry loads the other day, I realized it was time for my baby to go down for a nap. (This is the time when it feels like the ceiling directly above my head opens up wide, a beautiful misty burst of sunlight bursts through that opening and a choir of Heavenly angels begins enthusiastically singing "Halleluja".) Then I thought to myself, "I wish someone could put me down for a nap!" 

     After that thought, I just had two questions. 

1. Where is my mom? 


2. When is it my turn for a nap?

     Even at my age, I'm 100% sure I would let someone zip me up in feety pajamas, give me a bottle of milk and hold me as I curl up my adult body against long as it meant I could sleep.



Monday, September 10, 2012

For Crying Out in the Night!

Dear Diary, 

     I'm pretty sure the phrase "For Crying Out in the Night!" came from back in the day when babies would not allow their sad, lethargic mothers to rest for an entire night- leaving these said mothers to curse the incredibly loud noise coming from such a tiny human being. 

     I'm happy I'm still alive though, because I think someone can only go something like 11 days without sleep before they fall over dead, and I am *fairly* certain I've exceeded that number. 

     Today I woke up more tired than I've been in a long time and I thought to myself- "Don't I have vacation days saved up somewhere???" Aahhhh. What a sham. Some people look forward to retirement. I look forward to the day I can grab a sudoku book, plop down on the toilet and lounge there for so long that I get that big red ring around my back side. 



Sunday, September 9, 2012

Bag It.

Dear Diary, 

     I've decided to jot down what I think your bag says about you.Here we go. 

1. The Apocalypse Mom. This is the mom who is prepared. For. Anything. Literally. As in, your bag consists of: 

Tylenol, diapers, wipes, Desitin, Puffs, baby food, baby spoons, bibs, burp cloths, your wallet, chapstick, bottles, a can of formula, fruit snacks, granola bars, bottled water, books, building blocks, pictures, multiple sets of keys, a change of clothes for each child, camera, hand sanitizer, a planner, iPad, napkins, straws, Ziploc bags, candy wrappers, gum, perfume, lotion, toothpaste, a toothbrush, sippy cups, eye drops, Kleenex...and possibly a small animal, such as a Chihuahua. 

This mom is usually on the fly, likes adventure, is a kid-lover, and lets things roll off her back easily. 

2. The Minimalist. This is the mom who can't stand extras and has mastered the art of bringing along only the necessities. This mom also has smaller muscles than The Apocalypse Mom and probably makes multiple trips back home when she runs into problems. Her bag consists of: 

Duct tape, cash, a teething toy, a mini Ziploc bag of wipes, and a cloth. That should cover everything- like loud children, trips to McDonalds, whiny teethers, and bathroom accidents.

This mom is on the ball, orderly, and a little more strict than the average Jane. But she mothers like a boss.

3. The Classic. This mom buys a bag that looks like it fits the average amount of baby goodies and calls it good. It consists of: 

A changing pad, an already-prepared bottle, diapers, wipes, her wallet and a couple of books and toys.  

This mom operates on a schedule, times her trips to the grocery store just right, and over all just tries to make life easier on herself by planning ahead. She doesn't fly by the seat of her pants, but she doesn't stick to strict schedules either. 

4. The Eco-friendly Mom. This mom struts her stuff in style with her organic baby bag. She shops at Whole Foods, volunteers at animal shelters on weekends, makes sure to buy milk that came from cows not treated with rbST, and quite possibly drives a Chevy Volt. Her bag consists of: 

Annie's Homegrown Organic Bunny Fruit Snacks, cloth diapers, cloth wipes, a Medela hand pump and bottle, a baby wrap, and a Hooter Hider. 

                          This mom knows no limits. She is fearless, taking trips to the zoo, museums and the great outdoors multiple times a week. She is a domestic goddess and keeps her family and friends very close. 

  5. The Fancy Mom. This mom is used to struttin her stuff in style and isn't going to let poopy diapers stop her. Her bag consists of: 

Multiple credit cards, a spare pair of Jack & Lily toddlers shoes, a bleach pen, a small pouch of candy from that fancy candy store in the mall that costs $2.00 for a gummy shark, some red lipstick, and her entire make up kit. She may or may not have left all her other baby items at home. Can you blame her? It looks just like a purse! Aaaand possibly because the purse was so expensive, there is no money left for anything else.

This mom has a good heart. She probably doesn't have more than a couple of children and she enjoys spending time with her girlfriends and her hubby. She is mostly a home body, but enjoys getting a breath of fresh air every now and then. She is confident, yet classy and likes to be tidy at all times. 

So- which one are you??? Let's hear it in the comments or on my Facebook page. 



Friday, September 7, 2012

The Letter P.

Dear Diary, 

     One day, long ago, when I was actually cleaning my house...the sunlight burst through my bedroom window like blinding rays of happiness and my toddler played nicely in the bedroom as I tidied up my bathroom. And it was quiet. It was like some serene, clinkly-tinkly version of a lullaby was playing in my head...and then it endedBecause, we all know silent children are dangerous children. The worst kind, actually. Lo and behold, I was right. (Aren't moms always right?) With his back turned to me, my *sweet* little boy had found a travel size baby soap bottle and decided to give our laptop keyboard a soap bath. Needless to say, our computer was mighty clean after that incident. Along with multiple numbers not working right. 

     The computer became paralyzed that day. The left shift button, the number 7, the left command, and the letter P have all died. Rest in P-ce. It is tragic. 

     It was my friend Peter Smuda's birthday yesterday. My birthday wish was a flop. Sorry, Peter. In case you don't understand paralyzed computer speech, Hap0 means Happy Birthday. And the more I got angry with the letter P, the more zeroes it tacked on and then it went ahead and showed me what it was made of my somehow hitting the "enter" button. This may be worse than autocorrect.