A few days ago, I was helping my son zip up his pajamas. They are old and hideous, but absolutely his favorite. We chopped off the bottoms and the sleeves (bye bye high waters) and naturally, he looks like a pirate when he wears them, but hey. YOLO. He came up to me, having already put on his underwear, and got excited to zip up his jammies by himself from the very bottom to the very top. Only problem was, he didn't get far before he zipped his wiener up. My eyes grew to the size of golf balls and I gasped at an ungodly decibel. Excuse the language, but this is how it went for a second.
My poor little man cried as I went back and forth from a sad face accompanied with an "awwww" to a laugh that I failed miserably to cover up with feelings of sympathy (I could obviously not relate to this feeling of pain). I told him to be sure that he closes his private part into his undies nice and cozy and then "shuts the doors" to the "wee wee pocket" (it's been called a wee wee pocket for quite some time now. I'm not the mother that uses technical terms, people. Sue me.) My husband and I could no longer control our laughter at that point. I can only imagine how confused our poor four year old was. Here he was, in pain, and his parents are laughing. I feel terrible. I feel even worse that I had zero control over it.
The next morning, I saw him fiddling with himself while eating breakfast. I said, "Hey. Don't play with your wiener at the table." Immediately,I stopped,looked up, and thought about all the weird things I have said as a mother. Behind me, my two kids were having a conversation. It went like this:
Two year old daughter: "Hey. Member last time you zip up your BUTT?" He-he-he. (Yes, she did a very exaggerated fake laugh at the end. Facetious little creatures, those females.)
Four year old victim of wiener zip: "NO! I didn't zip up my butt. I zip up my wee wee."
Life is tough. I'm glad he doesn't yet realize that having his wiener zipped up into his favorite European cut-off jams is amongst the smaller problems he'll face in his lifetime.
Me. The Laugher.