I Need a Re-Do.

Dear Diary,

     Either I am rapidly becoming more absent minded as time passes, or life is playing a nasty trick on me.

     I also think I need a re-do of yesterday. And the day before.

     It began the night we returned home from a long holiday trip. My mom had sewn me up a "rice pack" as we call them. You know, those things you pop in the microwave and they keep your feet warm or whatever? Well, our recently neglected house cooled down to 64 degrees while we were away. I was more than excited for this rice pack to be done warming up. That dang thing must have known how cold I truly was because not only did it get warm, it lit itself on fire. This is the fourth fire I have single handedly caused inside my home within the last 12 months. I took the pack outside per my husband's request and it took me a good couple of minutes to stomp out the embers with a shoe. The metal plating on the inside of the microwave had a hole burned right through it. My house reeked of burnt rice. And I was cold the rest of the night.

     The next day, I had a million back-to-reality errands to run, including hitting up The Home Depot to fix my $40 Walmart microwave. The afternoon quickly approached us and down went my toddler for nap time. I ran outside real quick to take some plastics to my recycle bin. (I am such a good citizen, saving the earth one Dr. Pepper bottle at a time.) When I came back, I discovered I had locked myself out of the house, because the sliding glass door clicked shut behind me. My crying 11 month old was on the other side of the glass and I could see both my cell phone and the only spare key we had sitting on the counter top. Just my luck. I ran to the neighbors. They weren't home. Ran to the neighbor 2 doors down who I had yet to meet. He was working in his garage and seemed less than enthused to meet me for the first time. Let me tell you that, "Hi, I'm your new neighbor and I locked myself out of my house with my two babies inside" is a great ice breaker of a sentence. I recommend it. Ten minutes and one sexy husband later, my front door was opened and all was right with the world. 

     As my husband was about to head back to work, I popped a gum ball in my mouth I found on the counter top. As I was chewing it, it completely disintegrated in my mouth, leaving all sorts of nasty in the grooves of my molars. So fun to undo. Note: Do not eat anything your toddler has held in his hand for a long period of time. It's gross and it might melt in your mouth.

     Here's hoping tomorrow doesn't bring as many face-palming moments. 

Sincerely, 

 






ME. 

How Do You Shower?

Dear Diary, 

     I found this on Facebook the other day, but could not link it back to an original "poster" to give them credit. It was titled, "How to Shower Like a Woman". And although I don't take detailed showers like this woman, the explanation of the man's shower is my husband to a tee. Is it yours as well? I swear someone must have spied on him, then wrote this. 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: 

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get ...in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone......
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. 

     I think I almost died laughing the first time I read this. And every time I read it again, I laugh. Too funny. What would we do without our husbands? *Sigh*

Sincerely, 

Me. 

The Bum.

Dear Diary, 

     My children's hineys are probably the squishiest, juiciest things I have ever seen. Once they get in the tub, it's bum-pinchin time. But although my two children look identical, their behinds do not. I've always said my son has cheeks like a set of Rhode's Rolls. *See below. Just picture them smashed together. Tight, round, and perfect for squishing.

     My daughter, however...my sweet, sweet daughter. Her rear-end is like Cellulite City. And in the shape of a W, like a saggy old woman. Poor girl just didn't stand a chance. How unfair it is that males keep both cellulite and fat at bay with little to no effort, yet us girls...we rock the craters at a young age. But you know...we rock it good. 

                               

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Throwing in the Towel.

Dear Diary,  

     With children, who doesn't constantly have their hamper full of dirty clothes? All I know is I am not a major contributor. I think I found myself sporting pajamas 3 days out of the last 7. (For the sole purpose of saving water and laundry, of course). Go ahead. Judge me. And call me later...when you have kids. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

My Favorite Thing.

Dear Diary, 

     I was reminded tonight why I love having a husband and potty trained son in the house. My favorite thing about it is stepping in that little puddle of urine at the base of the toilet that somehow missed the gigantic hole inside that porcelain ring that they aim for. I suppose 7 and 7/8ths inches by 12 inches is just not big enough. Is there such thing as a jumbo toilet? Or maybe I should just put urinals in the house... My poor wet socks are getting tired of unintentionally cleaning up messes. 

Sincerely, 

Me. The Maid. 


P.S. I think I might need to add these to my Christmas list.

You Will Never Know...Unless I Tell You.

Dear Diary, 

     This is the story of my life. Let's just say I'm not usually fresh off the treadmill...

Shhhhh, 

Me. 

Productive Pajamas.

Dear Diary, 

     I am proud to say that today was quite productive. Was it a good day? Not so much. But despite realizing at 5 PM that I had only put mascara on one eye, neglected to put my bra on and I was still in my pajamas, I still considered today a win. By 5:15 PM I was actually no longer in my pajama BOTTOMS because I had accidentally stepped in a puddle of urine...curse you, little-plastic-toilet-with-a-detachable-bucket-that-your-own-child-can-carry-around-and-splash-all-over-the-place. 

     Aaaaaanyways, braless, make-upless me managed to start, finish, fold and put away 2 loads of laundry, wrap and pack up nearly all the Christmas presents for all the family members and then some, de-clutter the kitchen, and make a rock-star dinner. This is a big deal, coming from the woman who has managed to set her kitchen (or something in it) on fire 3 times now in the last 12 months. 

    With that, I take a bow. And delightfully declare that I will be heading to my cupboard to find my fancy "L" mug, fill it with hot chocolate, generously top it with whipped cream and indulge in an episode of Revenge. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

And just because...

Chivalry is Not Dead!

Dear Diary, 

     Last week, my little man wanted to go to the park. It's a daily phrase that is suspended in the air constantly..."Mom? I play at park." When I gave the word, he hopped on his Radio Flyer trike and took off. I grabbed little sis and we followed in the wagon. Then it happened, just as I knew it would. A hundred feet from home, my boy bails and decides he'd like a wagon ride. Instead of going home, we packed his trike in the wagon. He no longer wanted to ride, but rather to pull his sister in it instead. And that he did. For 95% of our walk. Up the hills, down the hills, over the bridges and through the grass. His cheeks were pink and he was sweating, but any time I offered my help he responded, "No thanks, Mom." So sweet. Some girl some day is going to be a lucky wife! 

Sincerely, 

Me. Proud Momma.

Peace on Earth & on the Toilet.

Dear Diary, 

     I realized that for the last few days, I have been trying to find peace in the bathroom. Is 5 minutes too much to ask? All I know is, I am not missing my two front teeth...so for Christmas, this is what I want. 

Sincerely, 

Moms Who Are Overdue for a Good, Quiet Poop. 

Married with Kids, but Still Kids.

Dear Diary, 

     My husband was chomping away at his stash of Cheeto's while chit chatting with me. When he came closer, I realized he had 3 balls of Cheeto crumbs on his eye lid. Our conversation went like this: 

Me: Hey, you have Cheeto cheese balls on your eyelid. 

Husband: Will you get it for me? (Laughing). Do you ever feel like you're married to a five year old? 

Me: No. Wait, I take it back. Yes. 

At this point, he had begun to run his fingers through my hair when he got stuck on a clump all bunched together and hard as a rock. 

Husband: Oh. This, coming from a girl with her hair full of dried up Gogurt. 

     I guess we are still kids, even though we have our own. Happy Parenting! 

Sincerely, 

Us. The Crazy Parents of Two Young Children. 

The Scorpion & the Dinosaur

Dear Diary, 

     After ripping into the Costco parking lot the other day, I realized something. There was a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur footprint on the side of my car. Upon further inspection, I found out it was a sticker. My toddler is fond of "bedazzling" things with his giant sticker collection. I first saw it there a week ago and guess what. It's still there. Laziness at its finest. That, or I secretly like this prehistoric footprint on my car purely for the purpose of added swag. 

     

                                      

     While speaking of prehistoric things, we found this sucker in the garage. Why these guys are still roaming the Earth, I don't know. But don't worry, we wooed him into a sticky trap to wither up and DIE. They take 3 weeks to die this way, but hey. Whatever. I'm a wuss and it was the best I could do. 

Sincerely, 

Me. The Scorpion Slayer Trapper.