Obedience!

Dear Diary, 

     I love this picture. Such a kid thing to say, isn't it? Fortunately, my little chillins are too young to talk back much. But unfortunately, they are too young to do what I want them to do! 

     There are so many trying times when you have small children. And just when you want someone to say that life gets easier, they always say the same dang thing. "Just wait until you have teenagers." I think I'll enjoy them while they're small. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Ignorance is Bliss.

Dear Diary, 

     
     I've heard them before. And so have you. Stories of parents taking their little one out in public and having some stranger ask what gender they are. That, or they very confidently compliment them using the wrong gender. Well today, that happened to me. While my daughter was wearing a pink top and brown/pink polka dotted pants. Sure, she may be a big, bald, blondie- but she was in pink! Here is how it went. 

Receptionist: Awwww! Is it a boy? Girl? Boy? No, girl...?

My husband: A girl.

Me (thoughts only): For real, lady? Did you have vodka for lunch? 

Receptionist: He's CUTE! 

*Siiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhh* My mind. Was. Boggled. Thanks for the compliment on my son-slash-daughter. You're a very nice lady. 


Sincerely, 

Me. 

Is That Really Easier?

Dear Diary, 

     This is a good idea. But I don't think I'm coordinated enough. This lady gets five points for trying. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

David Cop-A-Feel

Dear Diary, 

     This was funny. And guess who showed it to me. Yes, that is correct. My husband. I think he's sending me a hint....

Sincerely, 

Me. The Currently Boobless Wonder. 

No, No, No.

Dear Diary, 

     Do you ever feel like this? Sometimes, just for fun, I reminisce to the pre-child days. (Note: I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything! But...read on.) 

     On Saturdays, my husband and I could wake up at 10 AM if we wanted to. Then, we could slowly roll ourselves out of bed to take a loooooong hot shower, just leaning against the wall like zombies with the water hitting us. Then we could either cook ourselves a fancy breakfast and eat it on the back porch, or we could take our wallets full of money (due to being a childless, double income family, of course) and hit up the Cracker Barrel down the street. Then we could go ride around town on our motorcycle, stop at the Outlet Mall, see a movie, pick up some lunch, come home, take a nap, play video games, eat dinner, then hit the sack. As a mother of 2 youngins, I cannot even FATHOM the thought of that type of Saturday. 

     This little Haiku is exactly how I feel most mornings. But I am happy to say our little anti-sleeper pulled off and entire nights' sleep last night. I'm talkin 8:30 pm - 7 am. I wadded up that invisible Haiku and flushed it down the toilet this morning. Let's just hope it was the first of many nights. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

All the Small Things!

Dear Diary, 

     Let me start out by stating that I am currently the most proud mother on planet Earth. Other planets? Who knows. That's debatable. But seriously, my two year old has mastered potty training. (Yes, even after that last post.)He's even taken it a step further by mastering POOP training. Little did I know that when I ventured into the potty training world, there were all kinds of lies being told to naive moms like myself. I found out that potty training comes first, poop training comes second. Like, later on in a child's life. What??? I guess I just figured it all went together. But no. Kids have a very real fear of dropping their waste in a bucket. Which is perfect for all the moms out there who love scooping that smeary poo out of a hiney crack. He even woke up one morning completely dry, but in a panic saying, "Mom! Poop!" but he was holding it in until I could take him to the toilet. Remind me what two year old does that again? So awesome, bud. Your momma is proud! 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Weird?

Dear Diary, 

     
I am not sure what's the weirdest thing I've ever done as a mother. But as I was listening to the radio in my car, a woman came on the radio talk show and shared an experience she had. While eating dinner, her son had noodles in his mouth and he sniffed while eating, causing a noodle to creep up that little hole in his pallet. The noodle was stuck halfway between his nasal cavity and his mouth. The little boy began to cry. She had her husband could see the noodle but couldn't reach it. SO, the husband placed the child over his lap, plugged one nostril and the mom sucked the noodle out of his nose. Gross. I guess I will have to think of my weirdest experiences and get back to you. Until then, I bid you farewell. 

Sincerely, 

Me. 

Potty Training is harder than it seems...

Dear Diary, 

(I think this is how little kids see the toilet...)

     Today was an exciting day in the potty training department. We are going on 8 days with no diapers. But we are only on day 1 of no accidents. And surprisingly enough, the only day of no accidents was the very first day of no diapers. I feel as if I can, in some small way, relate to those big corporations that have those charts that say "We are going on ____ days of no accidents in the workplace". But even with the constant undie-soiling, the chillins and I took a trip to a nearby park. Sure enough, a few minutes into our arrival, my little man comes waddling towards me, letting me know he has a turd in his shorts. 

     Luckily, because of its Tootsie Roll nature, it was transferable from underwear to trashcan. Then he decided he needed to urinate. I hid him behind a part of the playground so he could relieve his bladder, but helping him aim his 'Lil Smoky was harder than I realized. Meanwhile, over on a nearby blanket, my daughter was chompin down wood chips like they were goin out of style. I definitely appreciate the lack of sand lining the Arizona playgrounds, but I think the sand would have sifted its way out of my girl's fingers by the time her fist reached her mouth. I finally shoved a Cheeto's Puff in her hands and hoped it would hold her off for a while. Once I finally got my little dude situated, I came back to a daughter with smashed, wet Cheeto's all over her face and hands, attracting numerous flies and ants. Really? I'm pretty sure I was gone for about 49 seconds. I cleaned that up and we moved to the swings. Once I picked my son up to set him on the big boy swing, I felt a lump similar to the first turd spoken of earlier. Checked the undies...and guess what? Confirmation of my suspicion. Game over. We went home and caught the tail end of Ellen. I wasn't too disappointed about that. 

Sincerely, 

Me. The poop queen. 

A Tall Glass of Get Over It.

Dear Diary, 

     Lately, this is how I've been feeling towards my two year almost three year old. Life's tough, champ. But I sure do love ya. 

Love Always, 

Mom.

Cheap shot.

Dear Diary, 


     Being the major bargain shopper that I am, and having those ever so shrinking boobs I spoke of in a recent post, I ventured off to JCPenney to find a better fitting brassiere. 

     Sadly, I found myself in the "XS" and "A" sections of the racks (ha, racks...) and took my goods to the fitting room for round 1 of screening. I was pleasantly surprised at just how comfortable a bra is when it actually fits. Later, I tooted over to the kids section and randomly ran into the training bra section for juniors. Those cups looked mighty tiny, but I had no doubt I could squish my flatties into one of those bad boys. 

     A couple of days after buying this amazing bra, I realized it began to loosen up a bit on the sides, just like my old one did. I was so disappointed! What gives! I just bought this bra! I wondered if I could go back and switch it for a new size, then I remembered...there is no size smaller than a size A... 

     It was the worst unintended cheap shot I had ever given myself. 

Sincerely, 

Me. Small Boobs McGee.