The other day, my husband was looking all over for his nose trimmer. (Yes, we are finally of age to be using such instruments.) I helped him search but couldn't find it anywhere in the cupboards under our bathroom sink. When I stood up, I saw a massive menstrual pad on the counter top. Puzzled, I asked, "Um, did you need this?" and we both burst out laughing. This is when I realized how funny all the post-partum hospital items are. Let's have a lookie, shall we?
1. The overly massive pad I just spoke of. Based on size alone, I'm pretty sure this bad boy could hold an entire gallon of milk.
2. The sexy panties. Netted (so obviously see through), stretchy, light, and comfortable. What else could you ask for? Oh, but you do need to somehow find room in these little panties for the pad pictured above. And I should also probably mention that the sexy factor really doesn't matter. Nothing will be entering that part of you any time soon. But there will be plenty of exits.
3. Um... Hmmm... Well? This is the cootchie cleanser. You better believe no actual wiping occurs when you've birthed a bowling ball. This little bottle becomes your personal bidet.
Truth is, these items are only ridiculous and funny after you no longer need them. They are your best friends when you've just given birth. And if anyone happens to need extra, you know where to go. My house!
Sincerely,
Me.
Being 4.5 weeks from my due date, you would think that remembering all the good times I've had with the above mentioned items would put me into a depression that only an IV of chocolate could bring me back to the real world. But no. Here I sit, laughing until it hurts. It's either that...or crying. :) You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteSuper hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI think I might die laughing from this post! Seriously, the above mentioned items ARE quite lovely when you have just given birth no matter how unattractive they are! One thing you forgot that I LOVED was the pad that also doubles as an ice pack...just break, shake and put it in your sexy new undies! -Candice
ReplyDeleteHAHA you ladies are so great. Glad I could bring a smile to your faces! Cara and Victoria, good luck on the birth- all moms are wishing you well! Candice, I'm thinkin the cootchie cooler ice pad sounds amazing. Why didn't I get one of those???
ReplyDeleteYou didn't get one of the ice packs? Man, you were deprived. That, literally, saved my life. I would go back and ask for one now.
ReplyDeleteOh Lauren! I am so sorry you missed out on the pad ice pack! It was amazing! I must admit...I took as many as I possibly could home with me when we left the hospital!
ReplyDeleteI just died laughing! I can't stop either!!
ReplyDelete