Last Chance.

Dear Diary, 


     Last Saturday, we decided to brave the crowd at Last Chance. Last chance is Nordstrom for poor people people that like to find bargains, like myself. Ergo Baby Carriers for EIGHT DOLLARS, UGG Boots for $59. Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bags for like 25 bucks. Toms shoes for fifteen. Ridiculous prices, people. So you can only imagine the crowd. On a Saturday. In Phoenix. I'm sweating just thinking about it. It was as bad as Black Friday. 


     But. I found a loophole. A way to truly shop like a boss. Bring your two kids under 3 years old and stuff them in a cart and make sure your two year old is wild and crazy while shopping. And when I say wild and crazy, I don't mean bratty. Bratty kids don't get to go shopping. At least not at our house. I mean sitting at the end of the cart, facing outward, arms straight out to his sides making airplane noises as mom rips the basket around the aisles like it ain't a thang. It's a sure fire way to get people to move outta the way! Worked like a charm. Now I just have to try this out at Walmart and we'll be good. I avoid that place like the plague. However, if you're looking to go on a diet, just buy their meat. Any kind. It's bound to be 3 weeks old, brown instead of pink, and will charge through your intestines like a bull, sending you on a fun toilet-centered vacation. 


Sincerely, 


Me. 

                     Keep on shoppin like a boss.