The Hit List.

Dear Diary, 


   I've often mentioned how I never quite appreciated the silence until I had children. In fact, I was probably a large contributor to the noise that other people (with children) despised so badly. My husband and I have plans to make a custom built house one day that has sound proof walls. (Seriously.) But since having kids, a few people have made my Mommy Hit List. They are as follows: 


1. The Leafblower Man. Come on. When I lived in Georgia, he was the bane of my existence. There was a gigantic tree every 10 feet and an entire forest behind my apartment complex. No amount of leaf blowing was going to fix the leaf problem there. Now, we live in Arizona. Leaf blowing actually = sand blowing. We live in the desert. I could probably pick up the leaves myself in 10 minutes. Go away leaf man. You aren't needed. 


2. The Trash Man. 5:30 AM is not an acceptable time for clanging and banging large trash bins around. I think one day I'm just going to bolt out the back door with my shirt off-kilter and my undies hanging out of my plaid pajama bottoms, my hair in a jillion knots and that look in my eyes like a rabid animal and slap a sign on the windshield of that trash truck that says, "YOU WAKE THEM, YOU TAKE THEM". Consider yourself warned, trash man.


3. Other People's Noisy Children. I think most parents are in denial about how LOUD their children actually are. I've gone to take a nap and my 39 decibel army-grade earplugs can still hear the screaming and yelling coming from outside. And it somehow always happens to land on the day that I desperately need a nap and the stars have aligned so that my children are actually asleep at the same time. Such is life.


4. The Nymphomaniac Next Door. I hope she conceives. Maybe in 9 months she'll finally feel my pain.


5. The Early Birds. Your dog is cute, but if you know he's going to bark until he gets a hernia because you INSIST on passing by that apartment that has the dog your dog hates, you just might end up finding your dog on its side one morning. Just sayin. 


6. The Night Owls. I've always lived in places that attract party-ers. One night I was shaken right outta my sleep at 3 AM, only to find a plethora of teenagers spilling out of an apartment below mine. And then there it was. I had to do a double take and even squint to be sure I was seeing it right. A wiener. This kid apparently didn't realize, being drunk and all, that my window faced his man parts as he felt the urge to urinate in the mulch. Good times. 


Here's to having kids...


Sincerely, 


Me.