Sweat.

Dear Diary, 


Since becoming a mom, my body does weird things. Like sweat in funny places. Every now and then I'll be out and about and my shirt gets incredibly uncomfortable, causing me to "shift some things around". (Note: How funny that us moms can't scratch a boob but men have nooooo problem playing pocket pool in public. Love that.) Anyway, when a bead of sweat starts plummeting towards my belly button- that can only mean one thing. SWOOB. Sweaty/Boob. Not cool. What is that??? It's like someone's ear sweating. No one has sweaty ears. Come on.


Let's speak of a few other parts here. SWASS. Sweaty/A**. Very disgusting. But it happens. (I didn't make up this term. And as a side joke just for your entertainment: "What did one butt cheek say to the other?" -"I can't believe we've stayed together through all this crap.")


Swarmpits. Sweaty/Armpits. That's normal. But the level of sweat sure skyrockets after that little hormone party your body had from having a child. Terrible. 


Swellybutton. Need I say more? 


Swelbow. Sweaty/Elbow. The thing you get when trying to carry 17 bags of groceries on one arm as to not have to make another trip from the car to the house. 


Swack. Sweaty/Back. This occurs mostly in women who breastfeed. You've got your breast pad, your bra, your undershirt (as to not expose le chest) and your shirt. The LEAST amount of layers you can get away with is FOUR. That's just wrong.


And last but not least...


Swupperlip. Even talking makes you sweat. And suddenly your beautiful peach fuzz mustache is glistening in the sunshine. I love body hair. 


I think I'm going to invent a deodorant-bodywash-lotion-something-or-other that you can slather on your whole body. Because no mom wants a bellybutton that smells like swellybutton. That's gross. 


Sincerely, 


Me.