Top Ten Things That Scream, "I'm A Mom".

Dear Diary,


There are certain things we women never thought we'd ever say or do in our lifetimes. And yet, being a mom has changed that for us, for better or worse! I think these top 10 things just scream, "I'm a Mom!". 


You Know You're A Mom When: 


1. Your sex drive somehow plummets after 8 pm. 7:59 is great! But 8 pm is not. You've gotta strike while the iron's hot!


2. Going to the grocery store without kids is *almost* equivalent to being on a beach somewhere, sippin Kool-Aid on the rocks. 


3. You find yourself clipping coupons every afternoon while watching Ellen. 


4. Your body starts gravitating towards the minivan selection at car dealerships like you're soul mates and you've just found each other. (In the back of your mind, "This Magic Moment" starts playing and you picture yourself frolicking towards it.)


5. You start asking all your friends about which vacuum cleaner is the best. (And you somehow convince your husband that a $600 Dyson vacuum is a necessary expense.)


6. Instead of a loud cheering and clapping session when your child succeeds at something, you find yourself balling like a baby and being overcome with emotion. You make sure to always have that secret stash of tissues in your bag.


7. You make sure that new swim suit has matching board shorts to go with it. There's just been too much "shiftage" over the past x amount of years. (And you've become the master at hiding unwanted scenery.)


8. You get that weird black whisker on your chin that comes back every 6 months and you find yourself wondering how long it's been there...


9. Your purse now has to be at least 10,000 cubic inches in order to hold all the goodies we all love hauling around so much. Sometimes we see people randomly staring at us in a frozen position with their mouths hanging open because they think our purse is like Mary Poppins' bag and they're just *waiting* for us to pull out a floor lamp. 


10. Outings have to be timed just right and once we're packed and in the car, the timer starts to tick down and we feel like we are in The Amazing Race. Except that our winnings include sleeping children when we get back and some much needed silence instead of a million dollar reward (which, let's face it, we'd rather have the silence anyway...). 


Ah, the life. I can smell the sweet aroma of Motherhood. Oh wait. That's a turd. And my cue to get a clean diaper. 


Sincerely, 


Me.