Zombie Apocalypse.

Dear Diary, 


     I'd like to express my true thoughts on children. I've recently come to the conclusion that they most resemble ZOMBIES. The way they waddle towards you with drool hanging out of their mouths, their hands out in front of them, whining in a pitch only a child and a microphone too close to an amplifier can produce. It's death to the ears and destructive to the brain. When they finally reach you, they need something. If you give them food, they want more. They'd eat your flesh if you let them. If you pick them up, somehow you later find dried remnants of infant feces smudged on your forearm. If you contain them by strapping them into a baby bouncer or stuffing them into a Bumbo, they gnash their gums until they either wiggle out or cry until you pull them out yourself. 


     I'd also like to mention that I do not simply BELIEVE in the Zombie Apocalypse- I KNOW it happens. And it happens everyday at my house around 3 pm. 


     And since this is a safe space, being a diary and all, I'd like to mention that I don't always like other people's zombies. (Admit it, you're exactly the same way.) I once heard a quote on this subject and I could not have said it better myself. It was, "Kids are like farts. You can handle your own but other's are unbearable." True story. Now this doesn't go for EVERYONE. (And it certainly doesn't mean I love the aroma of my own gas...) But mostly for those people whose kids I don't know. Eventually they'll just become a normal zombie that I can tolerate like any other. Kids are kids. They're all challenging creatures.


     So don't get caught up in the lie that you need guns and bludgers and a 1985 jeep that's lifted, reconstructed & looks like a transformer in order to survive the said apocalypse. All you need is some baby food, teething toys, a sippy cup and a Disney movie and you'll be set. Trust me.


Sincerely, 


Me. The Walking Dead. Literally. This is how I feel many days.